my caffeinated mind

I can't seem to upload videos to blogspot still. I give up. Just check out multiply for the optimum level of laughter and endless nonsense (that is, if you share my quirky sense of humour).

I said this before and I'll say this again. My exchange programme has ended and this will mark the closure (end of blogging days for blogspot account). I couldn't leave without saying some last words for the beautiful people i met in the last six months. They are afterall, totally wicked people. :)

Exchange started off with much frustration and sometimes, I overload myself with the unnecessary stress. I never had problems being alone. In fact, i do treasure very much the space and privacy that is bestowed upon me by my generous parents... what with the hostel stay in Singapore and now, this exchange programme. I cannot thank them enough.

I do admit though, that halfway through exchange, i did feel lost. More than anything else, i wanted to crawl back to Singapore even if it takes ten years from England. Point is, i wanted to be ON MY WAY home. Singapore, home. Why? I still am not too sure. Probably the lack of company and how time flies too slowly for me to fully seize the day. It feels endless. The calendar- planner hung loosely on the wall, counting down the days that my source of sanity should arrive. I reflected on that again. Maybe all i needed was company at that point of time. No excuses, but really... PMS is no joke. Hence, every time of the month is met with teary- eyed Aida seeking attention from home. This is as honest as it can get.

I failed miserably in learning what the exchange is all about until so much later. I did not see the point of making new friends. After years of seeing people come and go, i told myself that friends are those i can keep for life. Why bother with acquaintances? They'll leave and your next close encounter would be when you bump into them one day (if you do at all). I met the Lboro exchange students from other parts of Europe, Lboro Singaporean undergraduates and the fellow NUS exchangees. Somehow, I did not grasp that opportunity fast enough. If there wasn't International Day, I would have completely overlooked Xian, Yan lian, Lydia, Lester and Alwyn. Not that they are insignificant... who wants to mix around with low EQ people right? :)

Mel's bad. Not low EQ at all. These people, they're really sei (cool).
Then, there's the Lboro undergraduates who made the small town rock like Las Vegas - Jeremy, Wee Yong (Willie), Jerry, Alicia and the rest. You know who you are.
Next, thank you God for the existence of Helena, Sarah, Saara and Daniella. Without them, the exchange experience won't be complete at all. Lastly, the Arts NUS exchangees also known as the sorority - Melody, Yingzhi, Yushan, Joan, Yuen Mei and Huiran. I can't imagine a more exciting girl talk than the ones we had. Somehow, we never got bored over the same topic.

Each and everyone of you are precious to me and although things appear a lil bit difficult here back in Singapore when it comes to meeting up, do keep in mind what each of us promised over there. For myself, me trying to the best of my ability to manage time well and put some time for occasional gatherings. If there is one thing i learn from this, it would be how relationships take up a lot of one's effort. No loss there though, for such given experience brings joy and many smiles.

How can one say no to:

1. Jeremy's fantastic human / non- human impersonation,
2. Wee Yong's constant mumbling and lack of understanding on the meaning of crisps,
3. Jerry's metrosexual needs,
4. Alwyn's demands for late night tea sessions and politics,
5. Xian's incessant challenges in board (bored) games,
6. Melody's whining needs,
7. Yingzhi's "BIATCH" exclamations,
8. Yushan's need for "extra services",
9. Huiran's fashion talks,
10. Yuenmei's cooking recipes,
11. Joan's philosophical take on love,
12. Yan lian's famous chocolate cake,
13. Lester's fantastic cooking skills and
14. Lydia's sweet smiles and lovely company.

It is tempting to continue gushing about the fun moments even when it comes to grocery shopping and our battle for the bombay mix. I just wanna say THANK YOU, for your hospitality, never-ending support, love and laughter. Those five months will remain in my mind (and heart) as long as this cognitive mind of mine is still intact.

Quoting Mr Xian, "Goodbye, my Lough. It has been a loughly five months".

This is it- part one.

This should be the last posting before i fly off to Rome and Paris (where i'll meet Ivy Lam O.S. and maybe King Kong).

We had a BBQ last friday to celebrate Xian and Mei's birthday (the former older by a generation). I do not have many pictures with me because the pictures turned out ugly/ bad. If you just turn to Mei's blog, maybe you'll see it. It was crazy for we played so many games... my favourite being the song lyrics game where we leave one word for the opponent (all girls VS Xian) to sing another song with the word in it. Can't believe the word 'Venga boys' was up... very gay. haha. We played three rounds of Polar Bear and i think i am getting better at it. *Three cheers for Aida*

I must thank Alwyn though for facilitating the whole BBQ. I must say, you were impressive... the OCS style, eh? Cheapo but efficient. haha. Of course, to the rest as well who put aside everything else to make this celebration a complete one.

Happy Birthday Xian & Mei! I should be wishing Mei again for her party on the 8th.

On to a serious note, i just wanna share something. Sometimes, we go through life thinking how hard and bad it is, choosing to see the unseen rather than the seen. It works both ways, good and bad. This is not the end yet. I do see it clearly though, that i must say things before it all ends officially. I should be writing one again at the end, where i probably will have more time to think. This is just a summary cause as much as i'd love to write a bye-note for everyone, i really don't have the time now cause of the free- trade agreement that i signed with Mel. It's coming along just fine. Here it goes:

CHEERS!!! For everything. For just being there. For looking me up. For ensuring this girl won't die of coke overdose. For protecting me from the darker forces of evil in SMB. For accepting that her PMS is analogous to the nuclear bomb. For the many supper and tea sessions. For polar bears. For the medication when i was down in the dumps. For the many movies to cheer me up. For teaching me table tennis... and the list goes on. At the rate we're going, i feel like i'm leaving everyone for good. Just going off for nine days yeah? We'll organize another get-together just before i depart for Singapore. YOU ALRIGHT?

I think a more touching message will be on this blog before we leave yeah?

Okay, on to less serious issues (the above not very serious also, i know)... I know i'm vain and some people told me i look 1) cuckoo in this picture, 2) like i failed in being a porn star and 3) like i am acting cute. Whichever way it is, i shall share it anyhoo because i like how i look in soft focus. No pimples yeah? Excellent. Thanks Jeremy for snapping it. haha.

That's the birthday girl's bunny actually. But as usual, i just had to borrow it.

On an episode of Yushan say the darnest things: "Is it polar bears wake up when you say the word 'so'?"

The unbearable lightness of being...

Milan Kundera was right.

Anyway, I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.
This is really a pointless post.
But if you were to insist on reading, go ahead.

Freak. It is one of those nights you feel like crying yourself to sleep. No joke. Stop making excuses for me. It is really not PMS. I've got a paper to sit for tomorrow but as you can probably tell, i have ultimate confidence that i won't do that badly.

Doing too much on concepts and methods that i got myself excited about doing THE thesis. I can't wait to eventually write the acknowledgements:

Thank you.. 1) Supervisor,
2) (Typical) parents,
3) Friends,
4) The special one.

Did i miss anyone out? Probably.

I had the most frighteningly sad dream two nights back and i'm still at it.
Someone attempted to take my life and soul. I think it was some supernatural force. My deceased aunt came back to life to give me a hug. I teared like mad telling her i wanna follow her (In retrospect, i sure am glad she stopped me).

That's it. I just wanna talk about the insignificance of life and how the insignificance is a paradox cause it is unbearable because it is insignificant. Think about it.

Phase 1: Over.

Let it go.



Let it go.



Let it go.

Winter to Spring & I reminisce.

Compare top and bottom. The same place but two months apart.

I can be very blunt. I acknowledge that.
But when it comes to writing, pay attention to every single thing.
The mistakes, the punctuation, everything.

Time flies and as i was staring at the calendar, it suddenly occurred to me that i've been away for more than two months. Every night when i am alone, i seek solace by the window... watching passing shadows make a fool out of themselves downstairs. Sometimes, i sip my favourite drink and other times, i sit on the latch, letting the cool breeze blanket my toes as my legs dangle out of the opening.

Thanks for the comfort so far, my dear. You know that those sweet wise words you say never fail to make me think again. You have been right all along. As for the bit on the sweetest victory, it is bittersweet.

This is not an attempt to give you a different style of entry. Many thoughts running through my mind and when i think of something else, i'll put it in before i forget. As much as i am missing home, going back is going to be very difficult for me. Being here gives me a heightened sense of independence. I feel like i can handle things on my own. Having the grown-ups around will incur responsibilities on me that i feel, are sometimes not justifiable. That aside, I miss those who are consistently messaging me on MSN, ensuring me that i am missed and cannot wait for my return. Those things, albeit simple, will always put a smile on my face as my eyes gloss through the conversation. Selective reading, you say.

Loppy: You are an amazing person. Don't bother what people think of you. I see a wonderful person when i talk to you and it is a blessing that we are put in a foreign land together and somehow, we rekindle the lost (or drifting apart) friendship of ours.

Things are clearing up. Like what Miss Yang once told me... 'Slowly but surely'.

Last night, i teared. What good have i done to deserve such great friends back home? If anything, this exchange has made us even closer and i really can't wait to give that long overdue hugs to all of you.

I miss you.

Ready, Set, Go.

Thanks to my New Update woman based in Singapore (Read: Josephine), i started reading on the articles with regards to the Virginia Tech mass shootings. The extent of the shooting is pretty massive. It doesn't inspire much confidence in the US laws considering how this is the second reported case of it. It is appalling and i wonder time and time again how these young punks can get their weapons. At a larger scale, how the US is implicitly showing that they condone these mass murders due to their least stringent laws on ownership of guns. On another level, it reflects difficulties in managing the psychological state of the people and the complexities that arise from the melting pot culture. Yes, America is known for being more democratic, liberal and very welfare to assist the disabled and less fortunate. How about the safety of the people though? It is truly hard to manage such a huge country but the US census have generated statistics showing high homicide rates and murder rates using guns (65.2% of all crimes in 1999 as compared to 64.3% in 1991). Please see this site for the data. I wonder what is the point of generating data after data without attempting to do much to alleviate troubling matters.

Guns are needed for hunting purposes and this cannot be denied because it has been the culture of some groups to go hunting. Even in the UK, this is normal. There are other illegal avenues for gun possessions as well, resulting in the higher crime rates. Cho Seung-hui must have been a really disturbed guy looking at the reports made by psychologists and teachers about him. It is distressing to watch the videos that he prepared before his suicide and i fear that this will eventually be a norm as ways for the young to express themselves. Hollywood is not helping at all. The recent shooting in Loughborough makes it even more frightening as i cannot seem to grasp the fact that everywhere is so dangerous... Everywhere except for Singapore perhaps? I don't know if i feel safe in Singapore because it is marketed to be a safe city or because i originate there and thus, naturally feel comfortable and less worried about going out at night or having people shooting me.

Disturbing stuff aside, some of the things i've been addicted to:

1. Jessica Simpson's ballads/ songs. (Thus, the above title which is really incoherent and irrelevant)
2. Sex and the City.
3. Ugly Betty.
4. More Coca-Cola zero.
5. High carbo food.

Sigh. I don't know why i am blogging now. It was only last night when i started thinking of closing down this blog for good.

I really hope i'll get into the Mentorship Programme. It'll do me much good.

Tis' a struggle

So you come back every night to a distressing front.

Then you pray it'll be better tomorrow.

Only to realize that it does get better... slowly but surely.